In the last article, we ended with a hard truth: redemptive speech often costs something. It risks misunderstanding. It risks rejection. It risks relationships. But affirmation that avoids that risk often abandons people to confusion.
So the question becomes practical.
If truthful speech matters this much—if words can either heal or harm—what does faithful speech actually look like? How do we speak in ways that build rather than merely soothe? How do we tell the truth without becoming harsh, and show love without becoming dishonest?
Sometimes love requires saying things that make people uncomfortable. We all know this, even if we resist admitting it. The friend spiraling into self-destruction. The family member making choices that will end badly. The person who cannot see what everyone else can see. Sometimes caring means speaking up, even when silence would be easier.
But what distinguishes speech that helps from speech that merely relieves our conscience?
Paul gives us the framework in Ephesians 4:29:
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Two kinds of speech. Corrupting—“rotten,” “decayed”—words that weaken and deform. And speech that builds up—speech shaped to the person’s real need, speech that imparts grace and strengthens toward God’s design.
In Working the Angles, Eugene Peterson describes the heart of this work: “The pastoral task is to hold steady and point people to God when everything in them is pulling them in some other direction.”
Jesus’ encounter with the rich young nobleman, recorded in Matthew 19, Mark 10, and Luke 18, shows us exactly what this looks like. A sincere, moral, religious man asks how to inherit eternal life. Jesus affirms what is good in him, then names the one thing standing in the way of full discipleship. He calls him to surrender it. The man walks away sorrowful because he loves his wealth more.
That’s the whole story in three sentences.
You cannot build well if you do not know what you are building toward.
And it shows us what building speech looks like in real life.
Five Marks of Speech That Builds
Jesus’ conversation with this man reveals five characteristics of redemptive speech. These are not abstract ideals. They are what truthful love actually does.
1. It Points Toward a Destination
You cannot build well if you do not know what you are building toward. An architect works from a design. A builder works from a plan. Random construction produces unstable structures.
Speech works the same way.
Words that build have a destination in mind. They know what human flourishing looks like. They know what people are for. They know where freedom is found. And they aim in that direction.
Affirming speech works from a different blueprint. It treats present feelings as the final standard. The question becomes not “Does this align with design?” but “Does this feel authentic?” It validates wherever someone currently stands, treating the present moment as the destination itself. Growth disappears. Direction evaporates.
That is because, in this worldview, feelings are the destination. And the moment you say, “Some paths lead to life and others do not,” you have challenged its core premise: that all paths are equally valid as long as they feel right.
When the rich young man asks about eternal life, he is asking about a destination. Jesus answers from a clear vision of where life is found—the divine blueprint for human life. He points first to God’s law, then to this man’s specific barrier. Jesus knows where he is trying to take him.
When someone embraces an identity or desire that contradicts their design, affirming speech says, “I affirm who you are.” Redemptive speech says, “I care about you too much to affirm what will harm you. Let’s talk about what you’re really seeking.”
The test is simple: Are you pointing toward the destination or validating the current location?
2. It Addresses Their Specific Need
Paul says speak “according to their needs.” Not according to general principles. Not according to slogans. According to this person, in this moment.
You cannot repair what you have not examined. You cannot strengthen what you have not assessed.
Redemptive speech requires discernment. It pays attention to patterns. It notices weaknesses. It learns a person’s story.
Generic comfort sounds nice but builds nothing. “You’re going through a hard time” names the obvious. “I’ve noticed you withdraw when you feel overwhelmed—what’s happening there?” names a pattern. That’s specific. That’s according to the need.
Jesus does this. He begins with a universal answer: keep the commandments. When the man claims obedience, Jesus moves to the specific issue—his attachment to wealth. He sees what owns him and addresses that: He’s responding to the real need.
We often speak to people based on projection. We address what we would need in their situation. We respond to our discomfort rather than their condition.
Redemptive speech listens first.Well-intentioned but misplaced advice can tear down instead of build up. But when wisdom and discernment are brought to bear with genuine care and courage, speech becomes transformative.
The test: are you addressing their actual patterns or your assumptions?
3. It Provides Materials for Building
Paul says building speech should “benefit” the hearer. Not merely acknowledge struggle or validate feelings, but to give something substantive.
Tools. Truth. Direction. Practices.
Affirming speech assumes internal sufficiency: “Trust yourself. Follow your heart. Your feelings are enough.” The message is clear: everything you need is already inside you.
Modern therapeutic culture reinforces this. Rooted in Freudian psychology, it treats emotional expression and enacting desire as the primary path to health. Suppression harms; expression heals. Therefore, affirmation becomes moral duty.
But what if the resources are not there?
What if the person trapped in destructive patterns needs something from outside themselves— a different way of thinking, a practical strategy, accountability, a truth they can’t see on their own?
Redemptive speech doesn’t assume internal sufficiency. It hands people materials.
When a person is trapped in moral relativism, affirming speech says respect their perspective. If truth is just whatever we feel, then nothing means anything. That’s not freedom – that’s chaos. Redemptive speech gives them a framework that challenges their understanding.
Jesus didn’t leave the rich young ruler with vague encouragement or platitudes. He gave concrete instruction: sell, give, follow. Specific steps. Clear direction. The man doesn’t like the answer – he goes away sad. But he leaves knowing exactly what stands between him and what he’s asking for. That’s giving materials.
The test: Did you give them something to work with?
4. It Prepares Them for Reality
Buildings must stand up under pressure. They are designed to carry the weight of a load.
Speech that builds does the same. It does not shield people from difficulty. It equips them to face it.
“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.”
-Flannery O’Connor, The Habit of Being
Affirming speech protects from discomfort.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“You deserve to feel this way.”
“Other people are the problem.”
The assumption is that people are fragile, easily damaged by stress or challenge. The kind thing surely must be to minimize pressure, reduce expectations, shield them from anything hard, including their own spiritual battles.
But protection is not preparation.
When you remove every challenge, you leave people structurally weak. Life brings pressuire and weight. Relationships demand sacrifice. Growth requires confrontation and change we’d rather avoid.
Resilience is formed through the stress and enduring struggle, not avoidance. Redemptive speech, healing speech, builds resilience.
After the rich young ruler leaves, Jesus warns his disciples about wealth with a memorable proverb: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle…” The love of money and wealth can become its own form of spiritual bondage. He is not softening reality. He’s helping them to face it.
Flannery O’Connor captured this truth when she wrote, “The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.” Jesus doesn’t adjust truth to match our capacity for discomfort.
The same applies to relationships that violate humanity’s design. Affirmation says, “Love is love. Who am I to judge?” Redemptive speech says, “Not every desire leads to life. Not every hunger is good for you.”
The test: Are you building load-bearing capacity or avoiding discomfort?
5. It Risks the Relationship
This is why redemptive speech is rare.
It costs.
Affirming speech is safe. It preserves warmth. It avoids conflict. It makes both parties feel good and there’s no chance of being rejected.
Redemptive speech risks misunderstanding. It risks anger. It risks loss.
When you say, “I cannot affirm this,” you may lose the relationship. When you name addiction, you may be labeled controlling. When you resist validating destruction, you become the villain.
Motivation matters. If you’re speaking just to prove yourself right or be morally superior, you are not practicing redemptive speech. If you’re speaking to relieve your irritation or discomfort with their choices, you are not genuinely loving. Redemptive speech seeks the other’s good according to God’s design.
Jesus risked the relationship with the rich young ruler. Mark tells us, “Jesus, looking at him, loved him.” Then He told him the truth. And let him walk away.
Jesus didn’t chase after him with a softer version. He doesn’t adjust the message to keep him close. He lets him go. Love spoke the truth even knowing it would cost the relationship.
Niceness preserves relationships at the cost of people. Often, it protects our comfort more than their wellbeing.
Love protects the person—even when the relationship is threatened.
The test: Are you willing to lose approval for their good?
Conclusion
Speech either builds or it rots. There is no neutral ground.
After you speak, ask:
Did I point toward the destination?
Did I address the real need?
Did I provide materials for change?
Did I prepare them for reality?
Did I risk the relationship for their good?
You will influence people with your words. The only question is how.
Jesus loved the rich young ruler. Then He told him the truth. The man walked away sad. Jesus did not revise the message.
That is what love looks like when it speaks.
Not because it wants to be right.
Because it wants the person to be whole.